So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
