i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
