Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
