I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he thought i was a dude.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
