she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
