I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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