oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
