The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
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I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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