Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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