i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
