this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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