My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
