i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i've created a new STD.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
