i jhust puked up my retainher.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
