I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I forget how to act sober
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
