i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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