He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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