Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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