Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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