I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
