PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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