I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
