The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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