1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
