My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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