So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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