i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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