I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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