woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
