Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
