i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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