Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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