Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
