I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
