i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
