i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
