I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
