i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
