I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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