I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
