How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
