Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
