I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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