I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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