I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
