Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
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Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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