I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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