Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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