i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
