oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
