my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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