He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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