Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
