He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
