How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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