Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
