There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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