Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
