I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
