guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
