How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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