Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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