I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
